Terrible movie week

We are not having a good movie week at Casa del Bartlett. A quick rundown of our failures:

• “Confessions of a Shopaholic.” Atrocious. John Salley’s cameo was kinda funny, but this was a painfully difficult movie to watch. It was genuinely dreadful.

• “Know1ng.” Atrocious. The whole “secret message foretelling disasters hidden, but not really, in a list of numbers” plot vehicle really could’ve been cool – really – but this movie blew it by trying to wrap it all up in a “good, and yet somehow frighteningly creepy, aliens save humanity” story that was incredibly freaking stupid. Also, the entire concept of the list and the message it contained was comical – “we’re going to give you this huge list of dates and locations and guarantee that X number of people are going to die at that spot – which might include you. But this *last* place, oh, that’s the one place we’d really like for you to go, and if you show up, we’ll save you at conveniently almost the last possible hour before your world is destroyed. Even though we could easily just take you — or anybody else, really — at any time, since we have a large number of gigantic universe-traversing spaceships.” Amazingly stupid movie.

• “The Haunting of Molly Hartley.” Started out OK, especially compared to the other trash-heaps we watched so far this week, but it fell into the same sort of cliched garbage as the others at the end. The return of Molly’s mom was also completely nonsensical. “The nurse released me because she believed.” Um, OK. You’re in an insane asylum, and somehow convinced a nurse who works around wackos every day that *your* fruitcake story was the one she should believe. Right. Dumb.

• “The Unborn.” Almost comically awful. This movie was nothing but “cute girl pretending to be scared by something that jumped out in front of her.” The plot is completely nonsensical; I think I would need to draw a flow chart to even begin to make sense of it. The monster came from where? He started in whose body? And starts by moving into insects? And then for some silly reason he makes the heads of dogs and people turn upside down? What? Very, very little about this movie makes a shred of sense. It’s a close race, but this was the worst of the bad this week.

Only highlights? The “Friday the 13th” remake, which Mel and I had already seen in the theaters, and which I enjoy because it’s the only movie we’ve ever seen together that legitimately freaks Mel out; and “27 Dresses” which was actually pretty entertaining. We also saw “The International,” which was OK, although the ending was pretty difficult to make sense of. Did the bank get its comeuppance or didn’t it? Who knows. There was a great gunfight scene at the Guggenheim in N.Y.; that alone made the movie worth watching.

Ugh. Here’s hoping for better luck next week.

Andy Bartlett

By day, I am the executive director of communications and marketing at Bemidji State University. The rest of the time, I'm a husband, father of three, and proponent of super heroes, lasers, space ships and explosions.

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