Oh, eWeek, you delightful, delightful morons

So, eWeek is already assembling a list of reasons why the iPad 3 might not be successful. Haven’t heard of the iPad 3? Well, that’s because it hasn’t been announced yet – and may not be announced for a good long time. So, a product that doesn’t even exist yet might not be successful. Here are their reasons why:

1) “The Android Juggernaut.” Really? Every Android tablet that has been released so far has been a dismal failure with consumers. HP barely sold 20,000 Touchpads before they discontinued the product and discounted them to $99 – 80 percent of their original selling price – before consumers even cared they existed.

2) “The Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 is nice.” eWeek claims “the iPad 3 won’t be all that much difference,” except for, y’know, the fact that it’ll run iOS and have access to the biggest app store in the world.

3) “How Different Can Its Components Be?” This is awesome. The iPad 3 won’t be successful because it looks like the rest of the tablets that will be on sale by then. Well, by that logic, the iPad and iPad 2 should also be struggling, and they’re demolishing the competition right now to the point that there is essentially no legitimate competition.

4) “Do Customers Really Need a New iPad Each Year?” This might be my favorite one. “Please, Apple, stop releasing great products that millions of people are going to buy.”

5) “The iPhone 5 Could Hurt It.” Really? How is that? Because they’re entirely different products, you know…

6) “Consumers are looking for bigger displays.” Because Droid’s 10.1-inch screen is supposedly vastly superior to the iPad’s screen that is… 9.7 inches. So, for four-tenths of an inch, Apple loses. Consumers are looking for better products; and right now, iPad is selling in such vastly superior numbers to Android tablets that any customers buying Droid tablets because of the larger screen are an insignificant fraction of the tablet market.

7) “Apple has made no commitment to 4G.” Because Apple hasn’t announced something, they’ll never support it. Whomever wrote this has paid no attention whatsoever to how Apple operates. They never announce this kind of thing in advance. When/if Apple products support 4G, that fact will be announced at the same time as the 4G-enabled product. Not before.

8) “Price Crunch?” The old “Apple is too expensive” myth; *no* tablet maker is competing with the iPad on price right now; and if they do, they’re selling at a loss.

9) “Who knows what the patent picture will look like?” It takes us all the way until point #9 to get one that’s even remotely legitimate. But this doesn’t only affect iPad; this is a problem for every device in the tech industry right now. Every single device.

10) “The Google-Motorola Threat.” Another “Apple will yield to something that doesn’t even exist yet” argument.

You can see the original eWeek story in all its ridiculous glory here.

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